


Give Yourself a Try

by analester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Brief straight smut, Coming Out, F/M, Gay Smut, Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Phandom Big Bang 2018, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 23:24:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17130677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analester/pseuds/analester
Summary: Phil Lester thinks he is straight. At least until he gets to uni and meets Dan Howell. Being gay is extremely frowned upon, so Phil tries his best to stay away from Dan, but it becomes difficult when his professor asks Dan to tutor him. Afraid of being shunned by his friends and family, Phil tries his best to suppress his feelings, but how can he when Dan is so pretty?





	Give Yourself a Try

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as a part of phandom big bang 2018! my beta was cellophan and my artist was astronomerhxwell on tumblr :)
> 
> goodness gracious, this fic has been a Trip, but honestly it’s been a damn good one. i just wanna thank my beta, lili, for being literally the best beta ever. thank you so much for keeping me on track and for having such awesome suggestions for my fic. i really couldn’t have done it without you <3 another thank you to my artist, oliver, for yelling at me and talking to me everyday about everything and nothing. it’s been such a pleasure working with the both of you and i love you both v v v v much :)
> 
> here’s a link to oliver’s art for this fic, which is a playlist that he crafted with love: https://open.spotify.com/user/12139319072/playlist/0Ryuu3Obhw5l3vt8ZyZohV?si=T6Vjt78QSWabVgeiwLvJig
> 
> i hope you guys enjoy!

When Phil was in year four, he met a boy with a cute smile and pretty eyes. 

 

Phil noticed him on the first day of class. When they were going around and introducing themselves to the class, the boy stood up and said that his name was Mark and that he loved animals because they were cute. Phil instantly wanted to become friends with him. 

 

He told his parents this, that he wants Mark to be his best friend and that he wants to spend all of his time with him. His parents were happy for him, finally satisfied that their son had the desire to make friends. 

 

“Does Philly have a boyfriend?” Martyn teased at dinner one night. It didn’t bode well with their parents as their father, Nigel, choked on his wine and their mum, Kathryn, downright dropped the fork she was holding. 

 

“N-no, I don’t think so. I don’t think he likes me that way,” Phil answered back innocently. 

 

When Nigel finished choking, he asked sternly, “Philip, don’t tell me you like him?”

 

Phil furrowed his eyebrows and asked, “Why? Is it wrong?”

 

There was an awkward silence that stretched across the dinner table. Martyn was no longer smirking, and no one seemed happy at all, confusing Phil to no end. 

 

They didn’t expand on the topic after that. Kathryn swiftly changed the subject, talking about how crazy her work day had been. 

 

Phil didn’t sleep well that night, constantly thinking about why he can’t have a boyfriend and why his parents were so against it. 

 

He decided not to tell them that he wanted to hug Mark and kiss him on the cheek like he sees Martyn do to his girlfriend sometimes. With the way his parents talked tonight, it probably wasn’t a good idea at all to bring up anything to do with the subject. 

 

***

 

When Phil was in year seven, he heard the word “gay” for the first time. 

 

There was another guy that caught Phil’s eye in his science class. Bryson was his name. He played football after school and had brown curly hair that looked blonde in the sunlight. 

 

Phil was caught staring at Bryson by a girl sitting next to him named Katie. 

 

“I wouldn’t do that, Phil,” Katie whispered to Phil, “It looks gay.”

 

With the way Katie said the word, Phil couldn’t help but flinch. He had no idea what the word meant, but it sounded like an insult, so his cheeks turned red and he ripped his gaze away from Bryson. 

 

That night, he googled the meaning of the word. 

 

gay

_ adjective _

  1. (of a person, especially a man) homosexual



 

Intrigued, Phil continued his google search, clicking on the word ‘homosexual.’

 

homosexual

_ adjective _

  1. (of a person) sexually attracted to people of one’s own sex


  * involving or characterised by sexual attraction between people of the same sex



 

Phil swallowed hard because fuck, that was him. The more he thought about it, the more he thought about how the other guys in his grade acted. They talked about girls, about how pretty they were and how they wanted to date them. Phil thought some girls were pretty, but he had little to no desire to take them on a date or have them be his girlfriend. 

 

He thought about Bryson and his heart fluttered. The feeling scared him, so he shut down his laptop. He wasn’t entirely sure how to express this feeling to anyone else because every time he tried confiding in someone, they always had a negative response. But why? 

 

He decided to ask his parents the next day, turning over in his bed and falling into a restless sleep. 

 

-

 

In the car on the way to school, Phil asked, “Mum, what is wrong with being gay?”

 

His mum accidentally slammed on the brakes, jerking the car before gaining control again. Phil made a mental note not to talk to her about this stuff when she’s doing something that could result in potential fatalities. 

 

“It’s just extremely frowned upon here. Once everyone finds out a person is gay, they’re shut out. And if their family accepts them, then the family is shunned too. Our town works in a very, very specific way. The second things go another way, some of the action taken is very serious. I can’t even imagine what would happen if someone we knew came out as gay. I’d feel incredibly sorry for them.”

 

By the end of the car ride, Phil felt like crying. He muttered a bye to his mum and ran to the bathroom, allowing himself to let out as much as he could before classes started. 

 

Maybe he wasn’t gay. Maybe he was just confused and he hadn’t found the right girl yet. But with the way he’d been asking questions and staring at boys in class, he wasn’t doing much to help his case. He needed to stop and find a girl as quickly as he could. 

 

Maybe if he found a girlfriend, he could suppress this confused side of him. Maybe it will help iron things out. 

 

He wiped his nose and splashed water on his face before leaving the bathroom. 

 

As he left the bathroom, he hoped to every entity out there that maybe this could work. 

 

*** 

 

When Phil was in year eleven, he brought home his first girlfriend. 

 

His parents nearly sighed in relief when he asked them beforehand if he could invite her over for dinner. 

 

Her name was Elle, and she was gorgeous. She was tan with blonde, curly hair that Phil loved running his fingers through. When he first saw her, he had an overwhelming urge to pull one of them just to see if it will bounce back. He said this when they first started talking, and it made her laugh so hard that it gave Phil enough confidence to ask for her number. They hit it off and Phil really thought that he liked her. So before he could convince himself otherwise, he asked Elle to be his girlfriend. 

 

“Proud of you, Phil. She’s gorgeous,” Nigel praised as Phil led her into the living room. 

 

Phil tried his best to hold himself together throughout the whole entire night, nervous that his parents could see through this facade. But he seemed to be a better actor than he thought because by the end of the night, his parents seemed to have fallen in love with Elle, possibly more than Phil himself. 

 

-

 

“I knew you’d be able to find a nice girl, Phil,” Nigel said, beaming brightly at Phil. It was the first time in a long time that Phil had seen his father smile at him like that. His heart panged at the thought, but he quickly shoved it away, choosing to focus more on the happiness he felt as his father showered him in praise. 

 

“Thanks, dad,” Phil smiled back, revelling in his father’s approval. He kissed both of his parents good night before heading off to bed. The moment he turned the corner though, Nigel turned to Kathryn. 

 

“See, honey, there’s nothing to be worried about. Philip’s homosexual tendencies were just a phase,” Nigel said reassuringly, patting his wife on the back. 

 

“Thank goodness. I don’t even know what I’d do if he actually was  _ gay, _ ” Kathryn replied. 

 

Phil was standing in the hallway, biting his cheek and trying desperately not to sob aloud. His parents really were against the whole gay thing, weren’t they? If they ever did find out about Phil’s feelings, he was sure to be shunned from his household, maybe the whole entire town. Fat tears fell down his face as he turned towards the staircase.

 

He quietly shut his door when he reached his room. He stripped down to his boxers and crawled into his bed. 

 

He thought about his parents and how  _ happy _ they were when Phil told them he was bringing Elle over. He couldn’t help but think about the relief that wiped across their faces when Elle stepped through the door, and the satisfaction they wore every time Elle nuzzled into Phil’s neck. It was an overall fun night, but everything felt off to Phil. 

 

Why did he have to live in a town where being gay is extremely frowned upon? Why did Phil have to be attracted to guys? Why was he given this life and these feelings if he was going to get punished if he even tried to express himself? 

 

Phil put his palms to his eyes and pressed hard to keep any more tears from falling. He wasn’t even entirely sure when he started crying, everything seeming like a blur since he overheard his parents. 

 

His own mother really wouldn’t know what to do with herself if Phil was gay. His father thought this was all a phase, and that the worst part was over. If his parents ever found the truth, they’d  _ hate _ him. He couldn’t think about life without his parents loving him, or just being there for him. He’d be the family member that everyone shunned and talked about behind his back. 

 

He  _ couldn’t _ be that person. He couldn’t be that person that everyone hated, the person that was a fucking abomination because he was attracted to guys. He wasn’t going to do that to himself just because of his sexuality. 

 

If his parents and the rest of his town want him to like girls, then fine. 

 

He’d try his damn hardest to make it work with Elle, to erase this whole part of himself. 

 

It wasn’t worth losing his family over. If he lost himself in the process, then so be it. 

 

-

 

Trying to erase the side of him that liked guys proved to be harder than he thought. How could he even try when everywhere he turned there was a cute guy? 

 

He was really put to the test when he was at a house party that Elle’s friends invited them both to. The house was blasting music, and Phil felt his palms start to sweat and his heart rate speed up. He never really liked going to parties because he usually felt suffocated and he never actually had any fun.

 

The moment they entered the house, Phil asked Elle if they could get some drinks. Phil wasn’t all that big into drinking alcohol either, but at that point, he’d do anything to calm his nerves. Elle agreed and laced their fingers together, squeezing reassuringly.

 

“We’ll only stay for a couple hours and then we can leave, okay?” Elle offered, noticing how sweaty Phil’s hands were. 

 

Phil gave a grateful smile, “Thank you, Elle. You’re the best.”

 

He leaned in to peck her cheek and then she bent down to pick out two Smirnoff Ices from the cooler. They clinked their drinks together once they open it, spilling a bit into the space between them. Phil took a gulp and started to feel better, laughter bubbling easily from his chest when Elle made a funny face at him. 

 

He didn’t know how he got so lucky to have Elle. 

 

-

 

They stumbled back to Elle’s house after the party, a little bit more than drunk. She’s got him pressed against her bedroom door, and they were making out fervently. Phil couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of her, running his hands from her hair, to her neck, to the small of her back. He could feel the arousal pooling in his stomach and Elle had never looked so delicious. 

 

“Phil,” Elle moaned against Phil’s lips. Phil was half hard at the noise and he tried desperately to control himself. His eyes shoot open when he felt Elle’s small hand squeeze his dick. 

 

“Oh fuck,” Phil groaned, head tilting back in pleasure. He was shaking with arousal and didn’t know what to do with himself. He looked at Elle and she was staring at him with lust, but also hesitance. It was both of their first times, so they knew what to do, but not entirely sure  _ how. _

 

“Elle,” Phil said, panting slightly as he pushed her away gently, “Do you want to do this?”

 

“Yes, god, yes,” Elle replied, moving to press her lips to his again. She tasted like alcohol and her grape chapstick, and Phil found that he kind of liked it. Phil offhandedly wondered if kissing a guy would feel different, but the thought disappeared quickly when Elle squeezed his cock again. 

 

Phil didn’t think he’d be able to stop liking guys, but this… This was a start. 

 

Through his muddled brain, he decided to lose himself in Elle, lose himself to the pleasure she brought him. If he could do that, then maybe he’d be able to convince himself that he wasn’t so into guys. 

 

He kissed harder and started moving them towards the bed. 

 

He wasn’t going to disappoint his parents. 

 

He was going to make them proud. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Phil! We have got to get going if you want to be there on time!” Kathryn calls from bottom the stairs. 

 

Phil’s in his room, running his eyes over the empty walls that used to be covered in posters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and various bands. His bed is neatly made and his wardrobe is empty. Phil thinks his room has never looked so clean before. 

 

He zips his suitcase slowly, trying to extend his stay in this house as long as possible before moving away to uni. He takes a deep breath and raises his voice to reply to his mum. 

 

“Yeah, I’m nearly ready,” Phil says, taking his suitcases into his hand, turning around, and heading down the stairs. 

 

He’s going to miss this place. It took a long time for him to finally adjust to this house and make it feel like a safe space for him. When he was going through his sexuality crisis, growing up in this house made him feel like an outsider. He always felt like he was walking on eggshells, like he was afraid he was going to say the wrong thing and accidentally out himself. 

 

_ Good thing it was just a phase _ , Phil thinks to himself, smirking before shaking the thought away. He’s glad that he managed to grow out of that part of his life. He’s finally on the path towards the normal life he’s meant to be on, and his parents are proud of him for everything he’s done. 

 

Phil is outside before he even realises it. His mum’s got tears in her eyes and his dad is smiling widely. He smiles back, a warm feeling spreading through his body at his parents’ approval. 

 

He turns around and looks at the house one more time before getting in the car. He takes out his headphones and puts them in his ears, playing the Final Fantasy VII soundtrack to help pass the time. His dad starts the car and soon they’re driving. Phil rests his head against the window, watching as the house slowly grows smaller and out of sight. 

 

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. 

 

-

 

When Phil wakes up, they’re at the enrolment office to get the keys to his room. He clambers out of the car, a little disoriented from the long nap he took on the way over. His phone vibrates and he looks down, smiling when he realises who it is. 

 

**PJ Liguori  
** **15:45  
** Hey man, you here yet? There’s a party for freshers happening soon and I know you don’t want to miss it

 

Phil can already feel the nervousness and excitement bubble in his stomach. A party is just what he needs to adjust to the atmosphere. 

 

Parties, Phil found out a while ago, serve as the perfect escape for him. There’s alcohol and horny people everywhere, so if he really wants something, all he needs to do is have a couple of drinks before he has all the confidence in the world. He slowly created the reputation of a party animal for himself, which was something he never thought he’d ever have. 

 

He became the guy that girls would fall to their knees for. He became the guy that would sleep with any girl that showed interest in him. In the back of his mind, he did it to get rid of any suspicion his parents had on his sexuality. He tried to not feel sick when they seemed to approve of him having sex with a girl under their roof. Did they really worry about him being gay so much that they actually didn’t care if he was fucking girls in their own home?

 

With time, people no longer saw him as gay, and he even convinced himself that he wasn’t gay. How can he when sex with girls feels so fucking good? 

 

Phil turns his attention back to his phone and quickly types back a reply to PJ.

 

**Phil Lester  
** **15:50  
** Of course I don’t want to miss it. You’ll see me there.

 

**PJ Liguori  
** **15:51  
** Perfect.

 

After pocketing his phone, he blindly follows his parents back to the car so they can drive to his room. They wanted to help him unpack before heading back, saying that they’ll miss doing the little things with Phil. Phil’s cheeks hurt from grinning at how much his parents seem to care about him. 

 

-

 

Moving turns out to be more exhausting than Phil anticipated, so when they finally finish, Phil is a sweaty, crying mess. 

 

His mum’s got him in a bear hug, rubbing his back tenderly and kissing the side of his head. She has to stand on her toes while Phil has to crouch to hug her, and it’s a little uncomfortable, but Phil’s afraid to let go and start this new chapter of his life. 

 

He feels conflicted because if they left now it would make adjusting easier, but he doesn’t want them to leave because then that means that he’ll be alone. He’ll have to start classes and live this life totally independent, and he really didn’t mentally prepare himself for this moment. 

 

It is getting late though, so Phil reluctantly pulls away and wipes his tears. 

 

“Don’t cry, child,” Kathryn says softly, gently. “You’ll be back home soon, and I’ll have your favourite meal ready for you when you arrive.”

 

“I’ll miss you so much,” Phil says to the both of them, sniffling before rubbing his nose. He ignores the snot that gets on his sleeve and looks at his mum with watery eyes.

 

“We’ll miss you too,” Nigel comes in, placing a firm hand on Phil’s shoulder. “You’re going to make us proud, whatever you do.”

 

Phil feels his heart pang in a way that it hadn’t in a while. Suddenly he feels like crying again. 

 

He nods and gives both of his parents another quick hug. He watches as they drive away and turns to go back into his room. When he gets there, he collapses on the bed and sets an alarm to get up in an hour for the party. Hopefully by then he’ll feel better. 

 

-

 

“Phil!” PJ yells upon seeing Phil. He pulls Phil into a tight, almost suffocating hug, and Phil chuckles and tries to hug with just as much energy. 

 

He can already feel himself shaking with anticipation to enjoy this party. He scopes out the scene in favour of looking for the drinks. He can already see some girls staring at him with a certain glint in their eyes, something that he learned to associate with lust. He smirks at them and makes his way towards them, knowing exactly what to do to wrap them around his finger. 

 

After a couple more drinks, he finds himself a little bit more than tipsy, dancing as best as he can with girls hanging around him, trying to grind on him and get him riled up. He’s into it, he isn’t going to lie, but he’s not fully there despite how drunk he is. 

 

It’s a weird out of body experience, and he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have done this the first night he moved in. He takes another swig of his beer, swallowing all of the thoughts that seemed to keep him from having fun. His hands snake around one of the girl’s hips and pulls her close, slowly moving his hips into hers. Their eyes meet and he smirks, letting the girl know that they’re definitely going to take this somewhere else. 

 

As she’s leading him up the stairs, Phil accidentally bumps into another guy.

 

“Sorry, mate,” Phil slurs, looking at the guy he bumped into. 

 

“‘S fine,” the stranger mumbles, meeting Phil’s eyes. 

 

Phil’s completely out of it, but even his drunk ass is able to realise just how  _ pretty _ those eyes are. They seem to hold a thousand secrets and immediately makes Phil feel warm all over. It might have been the alcohol, but Phil definitely felt something when he looked in those eyes. 

 

But before he knows it, the stranger is out of sight, and Phil’s being dragged up into a bedroom. He and the girl stumble in, and once his lips meet hers, he forgets all about what happened on the stairs. 

 

-

 

Phil doesn’t remember coming back to his room, nor does he remember exactly how. His head is pounding and fuck, it really wasn’t a good idea to party the night before the first day of classes. 

 

It takes a lot of energy to climb out of bed and find himself the pack of water bottles he brought from home. He stumbles around, eyes squinting as he tries to avoid the sunlight peering from his windows, trying to find his first aid kit for painkillers. 

 

When he musters enough energy to open his eyes, he finds his phone, turning it on to find the time. 

 

His heart nearly drops out of his ass when he realises just how late it has gotten and that he has less than twenty minutes to get ready. 

 

“Fuck,” Phil mutters to himself, splashing cold water on his face and pulling on his jeans from last night. This definitely isn’t what he imagined in his mind when he thought about his first day of uni, but he barely has time to think about it at all. 

 

He haphazardly pulls on his backpack and grabs his keys before leaving his room. 

 

-

 

As Phil approaches the classroom, his stomach starts twisting, his mind suddenly filling with questions that he really didn’t want to face at this moment. 

 

What if the door is locked when he gets there? Will his professor call him out for being late on the first day? Should Phil even bother trying to show up? What if the students in the class laugh at him for how he looks? 

 

God, he really needs to get his shit together. 

 

He’s hovering over the door for what seems like ages, but in reality couldn’t even be more than a minute. He swallows harshly and opens the door quietly, sighing with relief when he sees that the professor isn’t in the classroom yet.

 

Everyone is occupied with their own conversations to even notice that the door opened, so Phil takes the opportunity to slip inconspicuously into an empty chair and rest his head.

 

Now that the initial anxiety has subsided, his headache comes back at full force. 

 

He probably should have not gone to that party last night. It was good in the moment, Phil will admit. It was a good way to distract him from the anxiety of starting a new school and separating from his parents. He didn’t have to think the whole entire night, and he got a good fuck last night too. If anything it was a good stress relief from what was to come. 

 

“Hey, is anyone sitting next to you?” Phil hears from above him. It makes him jump and he lifts his head a little too fast, making his head throb even more. He winces and pinches his temples with his thumb and forefinger. 

 

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” the voice says a bit sarcastically, chuckling a little.

 

“No, no, you’re fine,” Phil says, opening his eyes properly to match the voice to a face. 

 

Phil inhales sharply as he sees the student in front of him. It’s the pretty boy from last night, and fuck, he’s a lot prettier without the strobing lights and loud music. His eyes are the kindest Phil’s ever seen, and something about his smile makes Phil’s heart flip over. Phil doesn’t even know what to think. 

 

Suddenly he’s finding it hard to breathe and his hands grip his thighs to try and ground himself. His heart is beating uncontrollably fast and his palms are starting to sweat, his entire body starting to shake. He’s trying his best to control himself, but he can’t, and now he’s freaking himself out even more because he hasn’t even responded to the fucking guy. 

 

“S-sorry… I- I, uh, no. No one is sitting there,” Phil quickly picks up his bag and puts it on the other side of him. His leg is bouncing uncontrollably, and the guy moves to sit next to him, furrowing his eyebrows at Phil. 

 

“You okay?” The guy asks. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m uh a little hungover.”

 

The guy snorts, “Yeah, probably not a good idea to get drunk the night before classes, mate.”

 

“I know, I’ve been berating myself all morning,” Phil responds, voice cracking just a bit over how nervous he is. 

 

“At least you’ll know not to do it next time,” the guy says, smiling so genuinely that his dimple sinks deep into his cheek. Phil has an overwhelming urge to poke it. 

 

“That’s true,” Phil says, hoping that it’s enough to finish the conversation with the cute boy sitting next to him. He’s still shaking like a chihuahua and his face is undoubtedly as red as a tomato. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself any more than he already has. 

 

The guy seems to get the message and turns to go on his phone. Phil lets out a sigh of relief as subtle as he can and wipes his palms onto his jeans. 

 

He feels thankful as the professor walks in, grabbing everyone’s attention and starting class. 

 

-

 

Phil’s walking back to his room in a daze. He thanks his past self for scheduling only one course today because he has no idea how he would be able to sit through another class in this state. 

 

He’s still thinking about the pretty boy that sat next to him today, and how he reacted when he saw him. His heart is starting to thud again over the thought of the guy, and he suddenly feels nauseous. 

 

He hasn’t had these types of feelings for a guy in a long time, and now it’s all pouring back in. But the thing about these feelings this time is that Phil doesn’t want them. He’s as straight as a pinboard; he’s established this a long time ago, when he slept with Elle for the first time. Whoever this guy is, Phil needs to stay away from him. Phil is not going to let a boy mess up years of trying to figure out and correct who he is. 

 

He’s not going to let all of this progress go to waste. 

 

-

 

He doesn’t care what he told himself this morning, he needs to get drunk and he needs to do it now. 

 

His hands are shaking and his head is getting fuzzy, not focusing on anything and everything at once. He’s thinking about the mysterious guy from his class and that stupidly endearing dimple. He’s thinking about how strong that urge was to just lean in and kiss his cheek and hold his hand and shower him in compliments because he seemed to deserve them so much. 

 

But he doesn’t want these feelings anymore. He’s tired and he wants them to go away so he can just continue with his life the way that he has been. He’s not going to let an incredibly pretty boy ruin his progress.

 

So he texts Peej with sweaty palms, asking if there are any parties happening tonight so he can get drunk and out of his head. He needs sex and he needs to fix himself before he reverts back to the old Phil, the Phil that his parents were ashamed of. 

 

Once Peej gives Phil the address for the party, Phil’s taking a shower and putting on a purple button up that he knows he looks good in. He’s out the door before he can even think about having second thoughts. 

 

-

 

The party is as loud and as stuffy as Phil anticipated. There are sweaty bodies grinding against each other everywhere. The room smells of alcohol and smoke and Phil takes a deep breath before moving towards the drink table.

 

He needs this, he thinks as he’s pouring himself a drink from the punch bowl. Obviously it’s not punch, and Phil figures he’ll get gone a lot faster if he just drinks straight up alcohol, but he’s always had a preference for fruity drinks and the alluring blue color of the punch made it hard to decide against it. 

 

As he takes a sip, he realizes that it’s Monster mixed with something else, but he can barely taste it, so he continues to drink and continue with his business. He makes his way back to the dance area, scanning the room for girls that pique his interest. 

 

His eyes land on a girl leaning against the wall with a cup similar to his in her hand, talking to another person. He watches as the girl tosses her blonde hair back, eyes squeezed shut as she laughs over something the other person said. She doesn’t seem completely drunk like the rest of the girls, and somehow it draws Phil in even more. 

 

Their eyes meet and he’s momentarily taken aback, his heart starting to beat fast at the attention. He feels his cheeks start to darken, and he isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or not. Regardless, he takes another gulp of his drink and pulls on his signature smirk, making his way towards the girl. 

 

“You know, if you wanted to talk to me, all you had to do was come up to me,” the girl says as soon as Phil was close enough to hear. “You didn’t have to stare at me the entire time.”

 

Her tone was teasing, and Phil can tell that she wasn’t actually uncomfortable with him staring at her from across the room. He lets his shoulders relax a little and cocks his head to the side. 

 

“Well, I’m here now, aren’t I?” Phil remarks, stepping a little closer to the girl. “So what brings you here? You seem awfully sober for something like this.”

 

“I’m just here for a good time honestly. Not really looking for much,” the girl shrugs, but her face says something completely different. There’s a certain glint in her eyes and her body’s now leaning towards him. She’s biting her lip and Phil’s gut is screaming, telling him to just go for it.

 

So he does. 

 

“Care to make an exception?” he asks.

 

“I don’t even know your name,” the girl replies, trying to keep a straight face, but overall failing as her mouth breaks into a smile.

 

“I’m Phil. And you are?”

 

“Cassidy.” 

 

“Well, Cassidy, I don’t want to be too forward, but do you want to get out of here?” Phil asks, daring to wrap his arm around her little waist. 

 

She presses closer into him and stands on her toes to whisper in his ear, “I’d love to.”

 

-

 

Phil thought it would get better after a month. 

 

He thought that after a month, he wouldn’t have butterflies in his stomach every time the guy sat next to him. That after a month, he could finally breathe normally every time he made eye contact with this guy. 

 

Phil doesn’t even know his name, isn’t sure if he even  _ wants  _ to know his name because he’s too afraid that once he does, he’ll get a label for these feelings that he’s having and he really doesn’t want that. 

 

He has tried for a month to get rid of these feelings, sleeping with girls nearly every weekend, getting drunk and trying hard to forget about that stupid boy that sits next to him in his first class. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s had a proper good night’s rest, doesn’t remember when he even did his homework last.

 

He promised himself he wouldn’t fall behind, especially in his first year as a uni student, but shit happens and Phil’s terrified to do anything else other than drown himself in alcohol and girls. He was sure that a month would be enough, but it wasn’t, and now Phil is failing his classes and he has a hangover headache and he’s pretty sure he’s going to have a mental breakdown. 

 

He used to be so on top of these things. He was generally good in school, but now he’s fallen behind and can’t seem to have the energy to catch back up. 

 

How did he let himself get this careless? Why is he letting this guy ruin his life?

 

He doesn’t even like boys in that way, not anymore. He’ll keep telling himself this. That old Phil is dead. 

 

“Phil Lester?” Phil’s professor calls, breaking Phil out of his trance.

 

“Yes, sir?” Phil responds as soon as he grounds himself, realizing that he’s walked into his first lecture hall without even noticing. 

 

“I’d like to have a word with you after class if that’s okay,” his professor gives a tight smile. 

 

“Yes, sir,” Phil says, face flushing as everyone turns to look at him. He feels the stare from the pretty boy sitting next to him, and Phil feels like he’s going to be sick. 

 

It’s about thirty seconds until the students turn their attention back to their professor, but to Phil it felt like a fucking eternity. His palms are sweaty so he wipes them on his jeans, breathing in deep and slow in attempt to calm his heart rate even just a little bit. He swallows thickly and picks up his pencil, trying to take notes but failing, his mind drifting to other places instead.

 

When the professor dismisses the class, Phil makes his way to the front, hands gripping his backpack straps tightly, knuckles turning white. 

 

“Phil, there’s no need to be nervous,” the professor jokes, offering a kind smile. It only helps Phil a little bit. “I was just checking up on you. You missed quite a lot of assignments, and I know it’s your first semester of university, so everyone’s having a bit of a rough start, but your progress in the class is worrying me a bit. Are you okay?”

 

Phil feels a lump in his throat and tears starting to well up in his eyes. He really doesn’t want to cry in front of his professor, but he thinks he actually might if he opens his mouth. He swallows before speaking.

 

“I don’t know, honestly,” Phil starts, biting his lip nervously. “I don’t really know what happened.”

 

“Well, Phil, generally when students struggle, I advise them to come to my office hours so we can have one on one time to fix things, and I definitely want you to do that. However, I want to offer you a tutor to help you with this class as well because my office hours are very limited and I think this will benefit you more,” the professor says. 

 

“Oh,” Phil replies. A tutor would be nice. They’d help Phil get back on track and would realistically do more good than harm. Plus, Phil kind of needs friends other than PJ. “I think a tutor would be a good idea.”

 

“Great! There’s one student who is doing spectacularly in my class right now, highest marks out of everyone so far. He’s quite a funny lad too, I think you guys might get along.”

 

“Okay, cool. When do I meet him?” 

 

“He’s actually outside waiting for us to finish talking. I wanted you guys to have a jumpstart on your meetings just because a month is a lot to catch up on.”

 

“I really appreciate you trying to help me, sir,” Phil says, smiling widely. He’s never met anyone so caring about him before, but then again Phil hasn’t fucked up as badly as this before. He tries not to think about it. 

 

“It’s no problem, Phil. I see potential in you, and I don’t want you to have such a bad start to university. I’m gonna call Dan in now,” the professor responds, moving towards the door to open it. 

 

When he does, Phil feels like his heart dropped out of his ass. 

 

“Phil, meet your tutor, Dan,” the professor says, oblivious to the fact that Phil’s face had paled instantly. 

 

Phil really does feel like he’s going to be sick. Maybe this is all just a twisted dream and none of this is real. His professor doesn’t actually care about him, the guy that sits next to him isn’t named Dan, and Dan isn’t his tutor. 

 

“Phil?” Dan asks with concern, stepping forward and reaching to place his hand on his shoulder. Phil steps back quickly and shakes his head frantically. 

 

“I’m fine, I have to use the bathroom,” Phil says quickly, speed-walking out of the lecture hall and into the nearest bathroom. He closes the stall and slides down against the door, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his head on them. He tries the usual breathing exercises to calm himself down, but it isn’t exactly working and he finds himself panicking even more.

 

Suddenly he hears the door open, followed by someone calling his name. 

 

“Phil? It’s… It’s Dan? Your tutor?” Dan calls, stopping in front of Phil’s stall. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Phil tries to say, but his voice cracks loudly, making it barely coherent. 

 

“Can you open the door for me, Phil?” Dan asks through the door. Phil really doesn’t know. His hands are shaking and his vision is progressively getting more blurry. It takes a lot of energy for him to turn around and open the door for Dan. 

 

“Hey, okay, Phil, you’re going to be okay,” Dan says, sitting down next to Phil when he enters the stall. He takes Phil’s hands into his and Phil doesn’t know if it’s calming him down or making him panic more, but his head is swimming and he’s looking into Dan’s eyes and he doesn’t know what to feel. 

 

“Breathe with me, Phil,” Dan says, taking deep breaths to make Phil follow him. Phil doesn’t know how, but he finds himself calming down, heart rate slowing down as he breathes with Dan. 

 

Once Phil catches his breath, he apologizes. 

 

“I’m really sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” Phil lies, cheeks tinted pink. His eyes are fixated on the cold tiles of the stall, chewing his chapped lips. He’s afraid to look up, afraid to look Dan in the eyes in case he does something stupid, like tell Dan the real reason why he’s acting this way. 

 

“If... If you want, I can tell the professor that another student can tutor you. The last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable,” Dan says, making Phil look up. He feels his heart stutter as he does so, taking in every detail of Dan’s face. Phil can’t help but feel guilty for having these feelings for Dan, whatever they are. He hates that it is making him act this way, panicking every time he so much as talks to Dan, feeling nauseous every time he looks at him. Dan’s been nothing but kind to him, the least he can do is have an actual conversation with this guy. 

 

Maybe having him as a tutor won’t be so bad. The professor did say that Dan had the highest marks in the class, and maybe the more time Phil spends with Dan, he’ll realize that Dan is only just a friend and the feelings he has for him will dissipate. 

 

“Phil?” Dan asks, touching Phil’s thigh lightly to get Phil’s attention. Phil has to use almost all of his energy to keep himself from flinching. 

 

“Sorry, I’m just thinking,” Phil says, offering a clumsy smile. Dan responds with a smile of his own, dimple sinking deep into his cheek. Phil feels his cheeks heat up even more. He really hopes these feelings will die down as time passes. 

 

“I… I’m not uncomfortable with you as my tutor,” Phil starts, “I think having you tutor me is a good idea and we should tell the professor that we’ll go through with it. I appreciate you taking the time to help me.”

 

Somehow, this makes Dan’s smile grow even wider. Phil didn’t think it was possible for this boy to look even more gorgeous. 

 

“I’m glad. It really isn’t a problem to help you, Phil. I’ve seen the way you come in every Monday with a hangover. I just want to help you and show you that there’s more to uni than just getting drunk,” Dan chuckles, nudging Phil with his elbow. 

 

“Hey,” Phil replies, nudging Dan back, tongue sticking out as he laughs with Dan. 

 

“But I’ll tell our professor that we’ll go through with tutoring. And if you find that it isn’t helping you or that you feel uncomfortable, just know that we can stop,” Dan offers.

 

“Thank you,” Phil replies. 

 

“We should probably get out of here though. I’m starting to feel a little cramped,” Dan laughs, starting to stand up. Once he’s on his feet, he holds out his hand to help Phil out. Phil reluctantly takes it, allowing Dan to pull him up on his feet. Phil tries to ignore the warmth that spreads through him as their palms touch. 

 

“Can I get your number so that we can plan our first tutoring session?” Dan asks, pulling out his phone, unlocking it, and opening up the contacts app. He hands it to Phil once he sees him nod. After creating a contact for himself, he gives Dan his phone back. “Thanks. I’ll see you around.”

 

“Yeah. See you,” Phil replies, gaze lingering on Dan as he exits the toilet. 

 

-

 

Dan texts Phil that night, asking if it’s okay that their first tutoring session is tomorrow night. He suggested that they have dinner in his room as he was already planning on cooking, and then after they could get started. It takes Phil a while to reply to the text, pacing around the room for nearly an hour before his hands stopped shaking enough to text back. 

 

**Phil Lester  
** **20:45  
** Tomorrow sounds ok. What time should I be at yours?

 

**Dan Howell  
** **20:47  
** 7? is that ok?

 

**Phil Lester  
** **20:53  
** Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks 

 

**Dan Howell  
** **20:55  
** np :)

 

Phil hates that the smiley face made his heart stutter. He hates that Dan is being so nice to him. He hates that Dan is making him feel this way. 

 

He used to be so sure of himself. That these feelings were just a phase and and he worked hard to get rid of them for a long time. Once those feelings were finally gone, he felt like he finally had control of his life. He had his parents’ approval, he had friends, he felt  _ validated. _ He might not have felt anything other than lust, but at least it wasn’t whatever it was before. 

 

But seeing Dan and his cute smile and pretty eyes, it’s like all of these feelings came flooding back. He didn’t feel numb anymore. Phil’s never felt like this before, not even back then when he was still figuring himself out. He’s terrified because all he wants to do is dive head first into anything and everything that has to do with Dan, and he knows he’s not supposed to. 

 

Crawling into bed, Phil thinks about tomorrow night and how his stomach is in knots over it. With all of these confusing feelings in his head right now, how is he supposed to act around Dan? Looking at him the way that he does, will Dan figure out what he’s thinking. Is Dan like the rest of this damn town and will shun him and tell his parents if he finds out? How disappointed will his parents be when they find out that there’s a possibility that his feelings towards guys hadn’t really faded away? 

 

When Phil turns his attention to the clock, he realises that it’s nearing on 3am. He exhales deeply and turns over, cuddling a pillow into his chest. It helps a little and he closes his burning eyes. This is something he’ll deal with when he wakes up. 

 

When he falls asleep, he dreams of cold nights and warm lips on his. 

 

-

 

The day goes by in a blur and soon it’s 6:00. He didn’t have much luck with having a good sleep last night, and as a result, he went through the day like a zombie. He rolled out of bed and put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, not even bothering to do anything with his hair. 

 

It isn’t until he gets back to his room with just a little bit of time to spare before he has to leave for Dan’s that he realises that he looks like a fucking bum. 

 

“God, fuck, Phil, get your shit together,” Phil mutters to himself, pushing his hair back and looking into the mirror. He turns on the shower and strips his clothes, tossing them haphazardly into a corner. 

 

When he steps under the showerhead his shoulders drop and he sighs in relief. His hands are starting to shake in anticipation and he grabs the shampoo bottle in attempt to ground himself. He doesn’t know why he’s so stressed about this. If he takes a step back on this situation, it’s just dinner and studying with Dan. There’s nothing more or less about it. He’s just going to eat food and get some homework done. 

 

He takes a deep breath and continues to wash himself. His hand brushes over his cock and he bites his lip. He isn’t hard, but he could be, and it would clear his head and distract him from his anxiety. 

 

Convinced with himself, he wraps his hand around his cock. He feels himself get hard in his hand and he squeezes, a soft sigh falling from his lips. His free hand rests on the cold tile of the shower wall, holding himself up as he begins to stroke himself slowly. The water makes it easier to move his hand and soon he’s fully hard, mind getting foggy as he loses himself in the pleasure. 

 

He starts thinking about the girls he’s slept with and how good sex with them felt. He thinks about the last girl he was with and how she looked with her lips around his cock. How her wide, brown eyes looked up at him as she sunk lower onto him. How those eyes look a lot like Dan’s except Dan’s are even prettier. 

 

His mind starts to wander to Dan and if it was his mouth around his cock. If it was him looking up at Phil with innocent eyes, sucking so hard that his damn dimple shows. Phil desperately wants to run his finger over it, wants to tangle his fingers in Dan’s hair and force him farther down his cock. 

 

Phil squeezes cock, twisting on every upstroke, letting out short breaths as he runs his finger over the sensitive spot just under his head. 

 

“Dan,” Phil moans out, not even thinking as his hand speeds up. He thinks about Dan taking all of him and swallowing around him. He holds his hand still and starts fucking into his fist, thinking about fucking Dan’s mouth instead. 

 

It isn’t long until he’s coming over his fist, some strings getting on the shower wall. 

 

“Fuck,” Phil mutters, stroking himself through his orgasm, shoulders slumping when he finishes. 

 

Once he comes to he’s immediately overwhelmed with guilt and shame. He just thought about Dan while he got off, and didn’t even stop himself from doing so. God, how is he going to act around Dan now? Especially since he’s going to meet him in under half an hour. Shit, he needs to get out of this shower. 

 

-

 

Phil really didn’t think this through. 

 

They’re sitting on Dan’s bed, bowls of food in their laps as a movie is playing in the background. Dan is ranting about how the cast didn’t do the movie justice and how the acting ruined the plot.

 

But Phil isn’t listening, not really. He still feels weird about what happened in the shower and how Dan has no idea. He’s afraid to look at Dan, afraid that Dan will see right through him and realise what he did and how disgusted he would be. 

 

Phil doesn’t know what to say, and now he feels like a Type A jerk because Dan is trying and he’s not, and god, Phil really didn’t think this through. 

 

“Phil? Are you okay?” Dan asks when he realises that Phil isn’t listening. 

 

“Fine,” Phil replies, short and abrupt, mouth in a thin line as he stares down at his food. 

 

“Okay…” Dan says, raising an eyebrow and looking at Phil. Phil still refuses to look at him. “Are you finished with your food?”

 

“Yeah, thanks,” Phil says, shoving the bowl a little too harshly towards Dan. Dan stands up and puts the bowls away, and when he returns he sees that Phil hasn’t moved from his spot. 

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Dan asks again, putting his hand on Phil’s shoulder. Phil flinches immediately and it scares Dan enough to take his hand away.

 

“Don’t touch me,” Phil says coldly. 

 

“Sorry,” Dan says quietly, reaching for his backpack to pull out his books. “Do you want to get started then?”

 

“I guess,” Phil replies, pulling out his own books. The air is thick with tension and there’s something off with Phil, but Dan seems too afraid to ask. 

 

The rest of their tutoring session plays out in a similar manner: Dan trying to lighten the mood and Phil shutting him down every time. Phil doesn’t mean to be rude, but if he lets his guard down, then he might do something stupid with Dan, and god, he really wants to do something stupid with Dan. He doesn’t know what to do around him, he hates the person he becomes when he’s around Dan. 

 

Dan deserves everything that’s good and Phil wants to give that to him. But if he does, then these feelings might never go away and Phil will be shunned by his family and the rest of this damn town and he isn’t sure he’d be able to survive that. He feels his breathing stutter, and it makes Dan stop what he’s doing. 

 

“Phil, are you okay?” Dan asks. 

 

“No, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just getting tired. I think I’m just going to head out,” Phil says, already moving to pack his things. 

 

“Oh,” Dan frowns, but nods anyways, “Yeah, get some rest. Text me if you want to meet up again. And remember that we can talk to our professor and let him know if you don’t want to do this anymore.”

 

There goes Dan, being incredibly sweet and caring even when Phil’s been nothing but rude to him. Phil feels like such a fucking horrible person. 

 

“Yeah. Thank you. I’ll text you,” Phil says, head low as he heads towards the door. 

 

When he gets back to his dorm, he strips down and crawls into bed, feeling like there are a thousand weights on his shoulders. 

 

-

 

“I don’t understand you sometimes,” Dan says as soon as Phil sits down next to him. Phil isn’t ready and he nearly has a heart attack, not mentally prepared to have a pretty boy talking to him this early in the morning. 

 

“W-what do you mean?” Phil asks, hands starting to shake again. He shoves them into his pockets to keep Dan from looking. Dan seems to have noticed, however, and slumps his shoulder a bit, looking less standoffish. 

 

“It’s just, we were fine before? I don’t know what your problem is with me, but if you have one, then why did you agree to have me tutor you? I told you so many times that we didn’t have to do this,” Dan explains, slumping in his chair defeatedly. 

 

Immediately, Phil feels bad. He knows that he had the choice of whether Dan should tutor him or not, but he went through with it because maybe his feelings for Dan really weren’t anything. But looking at the situation now, he’s been sending all kinds of signals to Dan, and he’s confusing him to no end. 

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m kind of a mess,” Phil chuckles to try and lighten the air. He doesn’t know what he’s trying to say, but he realises that he’ll say virtually anything to get Dan to smile again. 

 

“I get that, but it doesn’t excuse you being rude to me when you came over the other day,” Dan says, folding his arms across his chest. 

 

“I know,” Phil agrees, gaze falling to the desk. He should make it up to Dan, show him that he’s not really a bad person. He can’t help but feel guilty about thinking of Dan in the shower, but he feels even more guilty that he treated Dan like that the other day.

 

“I promise I’m okay once you get to know me. At least, I think I am,” Phil says.

 

“Wow, he’s modest,” Dan teases, cocking his head to the side. 

 

“I didn’t mean it like that--”

 

“Phil. Come on, I was joking,” Dan laughs, “you need to lighten up a little.”

 

Phil feels his cheeks tint pink and he mutters an apology. 

 

“Hey,” Dan says, placing his hand on Phil’s arm, “You don’t need to apologise. But I do want you to be comfortable around me since we will be hanging out a lot more, so why don’t you come over and we can get to know each other? Play video games and order take out?”

 

“Yeah,” Phil says without even thinking about it, “That sounds amazing. I can’t remember the last time I sat around and played video games with anyone other than my brother.”

 

Dan raises an eyebrow, “Really? How come?”

 

“My friends aren’t really into staying in and playing video games. They’re more into going out and getting drunk.”

 

“That’s not really my scene, so you’re safe with me,” Dan says, offering a kind smile. Their eyes meet and it’s almost overwhelming for Phil. Dan’s gorgeous and Phil’s starting to forget why he even wants to hide these feelings in the first place. 

 

“Thanks,” Phil says.

 

“Come over tonight?”

 

Phil finds himself agreeing. 

 

-

 

“You’re a bitch!” Dan yells at the TV screen, thumbs moving furiously on the controller as he tries to manoeuvre his kart away from the obstacles Phil is throwing at him. 

 

“Whatever it takes, Dan!” Phil laughs, heartbeat increasing as he nears the finish line. He’s been at Dan’s for nearly two hours now, playing Mario Kart and stuffing themselves with pizza. Dan’s been beating Phil virtually every round, but Phil’s determined to win at least one. It’s arguably the most fun Phil’s had in a long time. 

 

It took a while for Phil to warm up to Dan, but once Dan put the game into the console, they were talking as if they’ve known each other forever. 

 

“I’m so close,” Phil grits out, moving to block Dan’s view. 

 

“That’s what she said,” Dan jokes, but his smirk drops when Phil moves in his way. “Oh my god, move! You’re not playing fair.”

 

“What are you talking about? This is completely fair,” Phil giggles. 

 

“You suck,” Dan whines, trying his best to collect the item boxes to help him. “All I’m getting are green shells, how in the hell is this going to help me?”

 

They fall silent as they start to concentrate on the race, Dan trying to aim and Phil trying to strategically avoid him. They’re nearing the end of the race, and Phil really thinks he can win this. 

 

“Oh my god,” Dan complains when he slips on a banana peel. 

 

Phil crosses the finish line and he jumps up, cheering loudly. 

 

“I did it!” Phil grins, clapping his hands together in excitement. Dan’s sitting on his bed with a pout on his face, but Phil can see that he’s keeping himself from smiling. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, congrats. I let you win though,” Dan teases. 

 

“Sure you did,” Phil says back, sitting back down next to Dan. He takes a look at Dan’s alarm clock and realise just how late it is. 

 

“Shit, I need to go. I have an 8:30 tomorrow,” Phil says, moving to pull on his jacket. 

 

“Harsh,” Dan says, “I don’t have any classes tomorrow.”

 

“Lucky,” Phil replies.

 

Once Phil gets his shoes on, he heads to the door. Dan follows him to let him out. 

 

“I had a lot of fun tonight, Phil,” Dan says, opening the door. “Thank you for coming out and giving me a chance.” 

 

“Thank you for having me over. I had a lot of fun too,” Phil smiles. He isn’t lying. He hasn’t felt this good in a long time, at least not without getting drunk first. 

 

“Hang out again soon?” Dan asks.

 

“Is it really hanging out if we’ll be studying next time?” 

 

Dan’s face breaks out in a smile. “Does that mean you want me to keep being your tutor?”

 

“Yeah, I guess…” Phil says, rolling his eyes and looking disinterested, but the sparkle in his eyes says something completely different. 

 

“I’ll see you Friday then.”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

When Phil gets back to his room that night, he’s bombarded with conflicting emotions, everything ranging from feeling happy to feeling scared. 

 

He’s happy. God, he’s so happy. Dan makes him feel safe and he seemed to do everything he could to make sure Phil was comfortable. He let Phil choose the video games, and he always checked if he had enough to drink and if he could get anything that Phil needed. He’s never laughed with anyone the way he laughed with Dan tonight. 

 

But he’s also terrified. Because his parents thought that these feelings were a phase and he thought they were too. But they’ve come back full force without any warning and Phil has no idea what to do. If his parents found out, he’d be shunned for sure. He’d be disowned from the family and he’ll be known as a mistake. 

 

Phil worked so hard to earn his parents’ approval and he can’t let them down. 

 

So he won’t. 

 

He’ll put these feelings in a box, push it far away so he won’t have to do anything. If he can’t feel anything as a result, at least it’s better than his parents hating him. 

 

-

 

Another month passes by and Phil finds himself with Dan nearly every weekend. 

 

They have a system with their tutoring sessions. They meet every Monday and Wednesday after their classes to get Phil on track with his homework and other classes, and on Fridays they reward themselves with food and a night in. They rotate between movies, TV shows, and video games, and sometimes when they’re feeling particularly ambitious, all three in the same night. 

 

The times in between, they’re texting each other. Usually it’s Dan sending Phil obscure memes that Phil doesn’t really understand, and sometimes it’s Phil sending Dan music that he thinks he’ll enjoy. 

 

Once Phil found out that Dan adores Muse as much as he did, he found that they have a lot more in common. It’s what makes it so easy for them to settle on a movie or a TV show on the nights they have off. It’s what makes it easy for them to talk until three in the morning about everything and nothing at the same time. 

 

But it also makes it hard for Phil to control his feelings. He wants to stop, but being with Dan makes him feel so good, like there’s no judgement whenever they’re together. It’s a safe space for Phil to be himself without really worrying what anyone thinks. 

 

It’s Friday night and they’re playing another competitive round of Mortal Kombat. Phil chose the game because he knows he’s good at it, at least better at it than he is at Mario Kart. 

 

“Okay, I’m starting to understand how you felt when we played Mario Kart for the first time. I am definitely taken aback by your fighting skills,” Dan says, biting his lip in concentration. 

 

“Taken aback? Weird flex, but okay,” Phil laughs, turning his attention away from the TV to look at Dan. He loses focus as he sees Dan biting his lip. 

 

Sometimes Phil wonders what would happen if he ever just gave in, dive head first into his feelings and just not worry about the town and the expectations and rules they have about how people should act and who they should love. He really wants to kiss Dan and he hates that the thought scares him so much. 

 

“Ha! Got you!” Dan exclaims, making Phil rip his eyes away from Dan to look back to the TV. 

 

“Dammit,” Phil mutters. “I bet you cheated.”

 

“I won fair and square, Philly,” Dan boasts, standing up and doing a victory dance. 

 

“I will fill your bed with bees,” Phil stands up as well and frowns, fighting the smile that threatens to appear on his face. 

 

“Try me, bitch,” Dan challenges, puffing out his chest and getting up in Phil’s face. 

 

Phil playfully shoves Dan and Dan shoves back, giggling. 

 

“Oh, now you’re in for it,” Phil says, eyes darkening and smirk appearing on his lips. 

 

“Not if you can’t catch me,” Dan says back, racing past Phil and running out of the room. 

 

“What the hell!” Phil laughs, chasing after Dan through the halls. Dan runs up the stairs and back down onto his floor, and it takes Phil by surprise because this is the same boy that told him he didn’t exercise for shit. 

 

Dan makes it back to his room, trying to close the door quickly behind him too keep Phil out. Phil makes it barely on time, out of breath from the running. He really needs to exercise more. 

 

Phil’s trying to push the door open while Dan’s trying to keep it closed. They’re both laughing and they don’t even care how loud they’re being in the hall. Dan’s strength finally falters, but Phil pushes a little too hard and he falls through the doorway and on top of Dan. 

 

They’re laughing too hard to really notice the position they’re in. Dan tries to push Phil off, but he’s not really trying. 

 

“I think I have you beat, Howell,” Phil says smugly, his eyes finally meeting Dan’s. It’s at this moment that he realises just how close he is to Dan. He feels his heart stutter as they fall silent. He’s about to rip his gaze away from Dan, but then he realises that Dan’s staring back just as intensely. 

 

“I could go swimming in those eyes,” Dan whispers, heading tilting just a little bit to look at Phil better. Phil doesn’t want to move, afraid that if he does he’s going to ruin this moment. He really doesn’t want to do that, not when Dan’s making him feel safe, happy, terrified,  _ free _ . 

 

They’re merely inches apart now, but something’s keeping them from closing that gap. Neither of them are moving, but their eyes shift to look at each other’s lips and all they have to do is move just that little bit more. 

 

Phil wants to. It seems like Dan wants to too. It could happen in just a matter of seconds, but then what? 

 

Should Phil give into his feelings? Should he go against his parents and the town’s expectations? If he did, would he be able to face the backlash?

 

Phil swallows harshly and sits up, looking away as tears start to spring to his eyes. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, voice cracking as he stands up to get his things. “I have to go.”

 

“Wait--”

 

“No, please. I… I really have to go.”

 

Phil’s shaking the entire walk back to his room, and when he collapses into bed, he can’t help but break down. He curls into a ball, sobs wracking through his body, letting out all of his frustrations. 

 

Why does this fucking town have these rules about how people should live? Why does he have to live in a place where his family would  _ hate _ him if he ever liked someone of the same gender, where he would be shunned from everyone because of it? 

 

Why did he have to be a fucking disappointment? Why can’t he just be normal?

 

He was before. He had everything sorted out before he met Dan. He just needs to get back to how he was before he met Dan.

 

If that means not talking to him anymore, then so be it. 

 

-

 

**Dan Howell  
** **17:45  
** hey  
you skipped tutoring again  
are you okay?

**18:00  
** i really miss you

 

Phil bites his lip and locks his phone, tossing it onto his bed and pacing around the room. 

 

It’s been a couple of weeks since they almost kissed, and Phil’s been skipping the class that he shares with Dan and all of their scheduled tutoring sessions. 

 

He thought that he would feel better, that everyday would get easier the longer he kept away from Dan. 

 

But Dan has been calling him, texting him that he’s concerned and that he misses Phil. It makes things harder and Phil can’t find it in him to even reply to Dan. 

 

He feels guilty that he distanced himself from Dan so quickly, but he needs his parents’ approval. He doesn’t want to live in a world where they would hate him just because he likes guys. He’s managed to like girls before, so the obvious choice for him is just to go back to doing that. It made everyone happy that way. That’s the way it’s supposed to be anyways. 

 

Phil wants to give in, but there’s so much keeping him from doing so. He’s scared and he’d rather just hide away and run from his problems, so that’s what he’s going to do. 

 

A knock on his door breaks him from his thoughts. He doesn’t have any friends other than PJ and Dan, and he doubts that it’s either of them because PJ doesn’t  _ really _ care about Phil that way, and Phil is sure that because of the way he’s been treating Dan that he hates him. 

 

He doesn’t know what to think when he opens the door and he’s met with Dan on the other side. 

 

A million thoughts pass through his mind, and he nearly almost closes the door on Dan’s face. 

 

“Hi,” Dan says, cheeks tinted pink and a shy smile across his lips. 

 

Phil doesn’t know what to say. 

 

“Can I come in?”

 

Phil hesitates, but he doesn’t think he could send Dan away even if he really wanted to. He opens the door wider for Dan. Dan steps through and sits on the bed, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. It’s at this moment that Phil realises that he probably looks like a mess as all he pulled on to go to class that morning was a t-shirt and joggers. 

 

“What are you doing here, Dan?” Phil asks, awkwardly standing in front of him.

 

“I was just checking to see if you were dead or not.” Dan’s tone is more casual than Phil expected and it throws him off a little. 

 

“I’m not. Is that all?” Phil asks, opening his door again and gesturing for Dan to get out. The smile drops from Dan’s face and his lips press in a firm line. 

 

“No. You don’t get to do that, Phil.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Pretend like you didn’t do anything wrong! You ignored me for weeks with no explanation. You’ve been skipping class and our tutoring sessions and haven’t texted me back at all and god, Phil, if you have a problem with me, just tell me.”

 

“I- I don’t have a problem with you,” Phil starts, but the rest of what he has to say gets caught in his throat. What was he supposed to say? He’s been avoiding Dan because he really wants to kiss him? Because he’s terrified of what would happen if he did?

 

“Then tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it! You don’t have to avoid me, whatever it is. I can help,” Dan replies, standing up to be level with Phil. 

 

“I don’t think you can, Dan.”

 

“Let me try? What’s wrong?”

 

They’re standing close to each other, Dan leaning into Phil with concern. They’re so close, almost as close as they were when they almost kissed. 

 

“I’m scared,” Phil whispers. 

 

“Of what?” Dan asks, scanning Phil’s face, running those beautiful brown irises over his features. 

 

“Of us.”

 

Their eyes meet and this time, there’s nothing stopping them. It’s like a magnet pulling them together, and then, Phil’s lips are on Dan’s. 

 

Phil can’t think as his lips move against Dan’s. He’s kissed girls countless amounts of times, but none of them have ever felt this good before. His heart is racing, going a hundred miles a minute, but he doesn’t want to stop. Judging by the way Dan’s kissing back with the same amount of passion, he doesn’t think Dan wants to stop either. 

 

Dan’s arm wraps around Phil’s waist and pulls him closer, their bodies pressing together as their mouths move against each other. Phil’s hands are shaking as they move to Dan’s head, fingers tangling themselves in the soft curls. 

 

Their lips are still connected as they move towards the bed. Phil’s back hits the mattress and his mind is thinking a million things at once. He’s thinking about how good Dan feels pressed against him, how he wants to see every inch of Dan and make him feel good too. He feels so fucking alive now that he isn’t holding himself back.

 

In this moment, Phil doesn’t care what his parents think. He just wants Dan. 

 

Eventually they pull away, and Phil’s lips feel numb from the way Dan’s been sucking on his bottom lip and nibbling on it every so often. He’s never kissed anyone like that before, and to be honest, it’s liberating. Dan leans down to rest his forehead against Phil’s, both of them taking a moment to catch their breath.

 

Phil’s mind is foggy and all he wants is for Dan to be even closer than he already is. He wants Dan’s clothes off and he wants Dan to feel good. He wants to be the one to make Dan feel good. 

 

“Phil,” Dan says, sitting up and making Phil whine in protest. Phil knows that Dan can feel his half hard cock underneath him, and he seems definitely more than turned on too. But Phil also sees the hesitance in Dan’s eyes, the conflict of whether he should continue or not for Phil’s sake.

 

“Dan,” Phil responds, hips bucking up a little to grind into Dan’s warm body. He looks beautiful on top of him like that. His hair is askew from Phil’s fingers pulling at it, lips raw and red from how much they’ve been kissing. “I want you so much.”

 

Fuck society and the stupid fucking rules they have about who people should love. In this moment, Phil doesn’t give a shit. He’s tired of feeling scared of them and what they think. 

 

“Are you sure?” Dan asks softly, biting his lips in hesitance. 

 

“I’ve never been so sure in my life. Please,” Phil begs, reaching up to pull Dan back down. Their lips meet again, and this time, Phil takes control of the kiss. He licks into Dan’s mouth, their tongues brushing against each other as they continue to make out. Dan’s hands make their way under Phil’s shirt. His cold hands make Phil shiver as they continue to run along the sides of his torso. Dan’s fingers find Phil’s nipples, brushing lightly along the nubs and making Phil groan against Dan’s mouth. 

 

“Fuck,” Phil mumbles as he pulls away from Dan, his back arching and head throwing back as Dan continues to circle Phil’s nipples with his fingers. 

 

“You really like that, don’t you?” Dan asks curiously, pinching the buds suddenly. Phil gasps, his body shuddering as pleasure shoots through him. He never thought it would feel that good, but now he feels like he’s going to come if Dan keeps going. 

 

“Mhm,” Phil moans, eyes screwing shut as Dan pinches him again. “I’m close.”

 

Dan stops and removes his hands from under Phil’s shirt, making Phil let out a whine of protest.

 

“Shh, I don’t want you to come just yet. Take off your shirt for me?” 

 

“Yeah,” Phil consents. Dan sits back on his haunches to allow Phil to sit up. Phil takes off his shirt and throws it across the room. Dan takes his shirt off too and Phil can’t look away. 

 

Dan looks beautiful poised on top of him, everything from his smooth, hairless chest to the endearing bump of his tummy. Phil doesn’t even know what to do, so he brings his shaky hands to run over the sides of Dan’s torso. Dan shivers at Phil’s cold hands and shifts in Phil’s lap, moving just that little bit so that their cocks rubbed against each other through their pants. 

 

It’s different from being with a girl. He can feel Dan’s cock against his, feels the way it pulses through the fabric and how hard he is. It feels so fucking good the way Dan’s grinding down on him, but the friction of the fabric is starting to feel uncomfortable, but it’s okay because he wants Dan to take off his pants anyways. 

 

Dan grinds against Phil once more before he starts feeling as impatient as Phil. Phil’s hands slide down from where they were on Dan’s torso, resting hesitantly on the button of Dan’s jeans. They make eye contact and Phil swallows. He feels like he’s going to pass out because he’s so aroused. 

 

“Can I?” Phil asks, continuing to play with the button between his fingers. 

 

“Yeah. Please,” Dan begs, his own hands moving down to meet Phil’s, helping Phil get his jeans off. Dan gets off of Phil’s lap for a moment to pull them off and when he does, Phil’s at a loss for words.

 

“Shit, Dan,” Phil sighs, drinking in the sight of Dan. His dick is bulging obscenely through his boxers, patches of precum soaking through and making it look all the more delicious. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”

 

He sees a smile play along Dan’s beautiful lips. 

 

“You’re not too bad yourself, Lester,” Dan replies playfully, ducking back down for another kiss. Phil feels so hot, Dan’s warm body pressing against his own burning one. He can feel Dan’s fingers at the top of his joggers, fingers sliding just a little under the waistband before pulling back out. Phil whimpers against Dan’s lips and it seems to be enough to spur Dan on. Dan takes the waistband between his fingers and starts sliding them off of Phil’s body. 

 

Once Dan gets Phil’s joggers off, Phil’s cock springs free. He didn’t bother putting boxers on while getting ready for class, seeing that he only had that one for the day. He sighs at the relief of Dan removing the restrictive material, but as time stretches on, he realizes Dan hasn’t said anything since he took it off. 

 

“Dan?” Phil asks, looking up to see if Dan’s okay.

 

“Fuck, Phil. You’re huge,” Dan gasps, seemingly unable to resist the urge to lick his lips. Phil’s face flushes as he absorbs the hungry stare Dan has on his cock. 

 

“Is that okay?” Phil asks. 

 

“More than. Fuck, can I go down on you?” 

 

Phil’s cock twitches helplessly against his lower stomach at Dan’s words and at the thought of Dan’s lips wrapping around the tip. He swallows again as he nods, making Dan smile again as he moves down Phil’s body. 

 

He takes Phil’s cock in his hand and strokes as best as he can, using Phil’s precum to make the movements a little smoother. The friction is a little too much for Phil, but before he can complain, Dan’s licking a stripe from the base to the tip, tongue digging just a little bit beneath the head. Phil can’t hold back the long moan that escapes from his lips and he brings his hand to his mouth in an attempt to quiet himself. 

 

It isn’t really effective as Dan moves to kiss up Phil’s length, soft lips pressing messily against sensitive skin all the way to the top before finally wrapping around the tip. Phil’s body shakes at the intensity and tangles the fingers of his free hand into Dan’s curls. Dan closes his lips tightly around Phil’s length as he starts to move down a little. He starts bobbing his head, going just that little bit further every time he comes back down. Phil’s head is swimming, unable to think about anything else other than Dan’s warm, wet mouth.

 

Phil knows he isn’t going to last long, already feeling the precum spill from his tip more frequently. His balls are drawing up and his legs are twitching, trying his best to stay still as Dan continues to suck around him. He’s done for when Dan’s hand makes its way to Phil’s balls, massaging them and rolling them between his fingers. 

 

“I’m so close,” Phil warns, chest heaving and fingers tingling as Dan drags him closer to the edge. To his dismay, Dan pulls off, but then Dan’s hand is moving fast around his cock, pumping firmly to get Phil to the edge. Dan places a kiss to Phil’s thigh and then he’s sucking one of Phil’s balls into his mouth. 

 

Phil’s orgasm comes washing over him, so intense that he whites out for a second. He’s gasping for air as Dan strokes him through it, cum shooting all over his chest and over Dan’s hand. 

 

When he comes to, he hears Dan swear from between his legs. He watches as Dan sits up and tries to take his boxers off with the hand not covered in cum. His cock springs free and Phil feels a wave of arousal wash over him despite just having an orgasm. Dan wraps a hand around himself, stroking hard and fast, eyes fluttering shut at the feeling. 

 

Something snaps in Phil and he pushes Dan onto his back before settling between Dan’s legs. His mouth is hovering over Dan’s cock as his eyes flick to Dan’s face, making sure that he’s okay. 

 

“God, please, yes,” Dan moans, running his fingers through Phil’s hair. 

 

“Tell me what feels good, okay? I’ve never done this before,” Phil says shakily, hand moving up and down Dan’s cock to relieve him a bit. 

 

“Yeah, of course,” Dan agrees, eyes fluttering shut and head falling back onto the mattress. Phil licks his lips before tentatively wrapping his lips around Dan’s cock. Dan groans, the hand in Phil’s hair gripping the locks.

 

Phil finds that he kind of likes having Dan in his mouth. His length is hot and heavy, twitching in his mouth when his tongue rubs against him in just the right way. 

 

He tries to do what Dan did to him, starting to bob his head and tighten his lips around the length. This makes Dan gasp and Phil internally smirks knowing that he did something right. He stops at the top to run his tongue over the head, cleaning it of the precum starting to pool at the slit. He gets a rhythm going, letting Dan gently guide his head as he gradually works Dan to his orgasm. 

 

He starts to taste the precum more frequently and Phil knows Dan’s going to come soon. Dan’s grip on Phil’s hair tightens in an attempt to silently beg Phil to go faster. His breaths become stuttery and soon he’s gritting out his warning. 

 

“Pull off,” Dan says, lifting Phil off of his cock. Dan fists his cock again, jerking fast as Phil’s face hovers near. 

 

“Come on my face, Dan,” Phil says huskily. He isn’t entirely sure what possessed him to say that, doesn’t even know if it’s a thing that he’d like, but he wants more than anything to please Dan and make him feel good. 

 

“Oh fuck, Phil,” Dan says, voice straining as he starts to come. Streaks get on Phil’s face, a little in Phil’s hair, the rest spilling over his hand. 

 

When they finish cleaning up, they crawl back into bed and Dan pulls Phil on top of him for another kiss, kissing hungrily and passionately as things start to wind down. 

 

When they pull away, Dan rests his forehead against Phil’s, making Phil’s heart stutter. He knows they aren’t supposed to do this, but right now, those stupid rules don’t matter. 

 

Right now, Phil doesn’t care about societal norms and being straight. Not when there’s this beautiful boy underneath him, face flushed and curls matted to his forehead. He looks breathtakingly gorgeous and he’s going to stare for as long as he can before he’s forced to go back to trying to fix himself. 

 

He gets pulled back into reality far too quickly than he’d like, the smile falling from his face at the realisation of the fact that he does have to try and make his parents happy again by not being gay. Dan seems to have noticed the sudden change in Phil’s behavior because his eyebrows furrow and he pulls Phil close. 

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Dan asks, pressing a kiss to Phil’s head. It comforts Phil a little before it sends him panicking. 

 

“I’m scared,” Phil says, looking into Dan’s beautiful, brown eyes. 

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t think we should’ve done this,” Phil continues, shaking his head and voice wavering. “How am I supposed to fix myself now?”

 

Phil’s shaking, and he’s sure that Dan can feel it. Dan places his hand on Phil’s back, stroking softly in attempt to calm him down. It kind of works, but Phil’s mind is going a million miles a minute. 

 

“Why do you need to fix yourself?” Dan asks. 

 

“You know this town, Dan. You know we aren’t supposed to be doing this. This isn’t normal.” 

 

“This town is fucked. Fuck what they say and fuck the rules they stand by. We can’t help who we’re attracted to.”

 

Phil is silent as he takes in Dan’s words. He supposes he’s right, but that doesn’t change the fact that Phil’s parents still hate the idea of him being gay. It doesn’t change the fact that he’ll be shunned and discriminated against if he ever owned up to his feelings. 

 

“I don’t know. I’m just afraid of what’s going to happen. My parents were more than relieved when I managed to convince them that I wasn’t gay. Hell, I was more than relieved when I managed to convince  _ myself. _ ”

 

Dan furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

 

“When I was in high school, I slept with a lot of girls. I got drunk most nights and went to parties so I could find girls who were willing to sleep with me. It got to the point where I did it so much that I didn’t care about boys anymore. I felt like I fixed myself.”

 

Phil watches as a frown forms on Dan’s face. 

 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Dan says quietly. Phil shrugs.

 

“It’s no big deal. It was all good until I saw you.”

 

Shit. Maybe Phil shouldn’t have said that.

 

There’s a silence that stretches between the two of them and suddenly Phil’s afraid to look Dan in the eye. 

 

“You mean that?” Dan asks, breaking the silence. 

 

“Yeah,” Phil admits quietly. “After the first time I saw you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about you now. And I’m scared because of that.”

 

“I wish you didn’t have to be.”

 

Phil’s heart flutters and he musters enough courage to look at Dan. Dan’s looking down at him, eyes soft and welcoming. 

 

“Do you think maybe your parents would be more understanding now? Now that time has passed?” Dan asks, a slight hopeful tone in his voice. The thought of telling his parents alone scares Phil to death, enough to make him feel like his stomach dropped out of his body. 

 

“Do you think anyone would be more understanding of this now?” Phil replies back, tone a little snappy. 

 

“My parents were,” Dan says, making Phil sit up in interest. He nods his head, urging Dan to go on. “I came out to them before I left for uni actually. They were surprisingly okay with it and they said that they’d stand by me no matter what. Maybe your parents have changed their minds and will be more welcome to the idea.” 

 

Phil shakes his head, not even trying to entertain the idea. It’s great that Dan’s parents were accepting, but Phil has a feeling that his parents might not be. 

 

“I don’t think so, Dan. You should’ve seen the look on my dad’s face when he saw me bring home my first girlfriend, and then the girls after that. I’ve never seen him smile so much in my life.”

 

“You’ll never know unless you try,” Dan tries again. 

 

“No, I don’t think it’ll be worth it,” Phil argues, starting to feel defensive over how much Dan is pushing. 

 

“Come on, Phil. That was probably ages ago, maybe they’ve changed.”

 

“Maybe they haven’t.” 

 

“You should give it a shot.”

 

“I don’t think I want to.”

 

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

 

“I don’t know, Dan!” Phil yells, startling the both of them. He rolls off of the bed and looks around to find his joggers. He’s suddenly feeling really exposed under Dan’s disappointed gaze. 

 

Once he finds his joggers, he pulls them on then runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it up in a quiff. Dan doesn’t understand. Dan will never understand. He doesn’t know what it was like, living under a household that said repeatedly that being gay was wrong and dirty. He’ll never know how painful it was to drink away his feelings in order to impress his parents, essentially numbing a huge part of himself just to please them. 

 

Phil feels a tear slip down his cheek. 

 

“I think you should leave,” Phil mutters quietly. 

 

“Phil, I was just trying to help,” Dan tries, not moving from his spot. 

 

“Leave,” Phil says firmly, wiping the pathetic tear off of his face before glaring at Dan. He sees Dan swallow and then nod, getting out of bed and retrieving his clothing. 

 

After Dan puts them on, he quietly heads to the door. There’s a heavy look between the two of them as he pulls the door open. 

 

Once the door is closed, Phil’s legs give way and he collapses into a mess on the floor, sobs wracking his chest as a flurry of emotions erupt inside him. 

 

Disappointment, anger, sadness. 

 

Phil has no idea what he’s going to do next. 

 

-

 

Phil wakes up the next morning in the same spot he was in the previous night. There’s dried tear tracks on his face, and cramping in his arms and back due to the awkward position he fell asleep in. 

 

The events from last night come flooding in: how he and Dan kissed for the first time, how he finally gave into his feelings and touched Dan the way he wanted to, how Dan made him feel good and safe and free. 

 

He remembers how he kicked Dan out after suggesting that Phil should come out to his parents and how things might be easier if he did. He remembers the fear and anger that coursed through his body at the thought; fear because of what his parents would say, and anger because Dan thought that coming out to his parents would be okay. 

 

It was never going to be okay. Phil faced that realisation and accepted it a long time ago. Maybe that’s why he reacted so badly to what Dan said. 

 

Phil sits up and stretches his arms and legs, joints and limbs cracking as he moves his body. He rubs his eyes and stands up, searching the room for his phone. 

 

He doesn’t know what he was expecting to see when he turns it on, but when he sees that there are no new messages, a pit forms in his stomach. 

 

Maybe there was a little part of him that was hoping that Dan had texted him, or called him, or  _ something _ while he was asleep. Phil’s heart aches for him already and it hasn’t even been a full 12 hours since he last saw Dan. 

 

Phil opens their text conversation, fingers hovering over the keyboard, debating whether he should send the first text or not. He isn’t even sure if Dan would want to see him after what happened last night, not even sure what he would say. 

 

He treated Dan like shit, basically yelled at him and kicked him out after having sex. Phil can’t help but feel ridden with guilt, especially since Dan has been nothing but supportive since they first started talking. 

 

He wants more than anything to talk to Dan, but he still feels trapped. If he kept giving into his feelings, what would happen after? Phil’s terrified to find out. 

 

But Phil’s so fucking tired of it. Last night was the first time in a long time that he genuinely felt something. He wasn’t using poor, drunk girls to take his mind off of things. It was just him and Dan.

 

He turns his attention back to his phone, thinking a little bit more about what he should say. He’s still at a loss, so he sighs in defeat and locks his phone.

 

He’ll sit on his feelings for the rest of the weekend. Maybe he’ll get the courage to talk to Dan, or maybe Dan will be the first to talk. Either way, Phil really needs to figure out what the fuck he should do from here. 

 

-

 

They don’t talk until Monday. Phil feels like this is the worst he’s ever been, even if realistically, it’s only been a couple days. 

 

Phil finds himself checking his phone obsessively, hoping that Dan would cave first like he did last time. 

 

Though Phil doesn’t know why Dan would even try to come back to him after all of the hell Phil put him through. 

 

Dan really doesn’t deserve anything that Phil’s pushed on him. He’s been pulled every which way, basically forced to be there and react accordingly to Phil’s indecisiveness. Phil feels bad that Dan ever got involved with his problems in the first place. 

 

Phil checks his phone again for the millionth time, sighing when there are no new notifications. He’s on his way to his first class of the day, which happens to be the class that he shares with Dan. 

 

He doesn’t know what to think, isn’t near mentally prepared when he steps into the lecture hall. 

 

Dan’s sitting in his usual seat, head down and eyes focused on whatever’s on his phone. Phil hesitates by the doorway, unsure if he should try and find another seat, or if he should just sit next to him. 

 

If he did sit next to Dan, what would he even say? What would Dan say? He’s starting to feel anxious again, hands shaking as he stands by the doorway, feet frozen in their spot. 

 

Class is going to start soon and he needs to decide fast because his professor is going to arrive any minute, and he doesn’t want to explain how he keeps distancing himself from Dan and why his grades fluctuate practically every week. 

 

Before he can think more, his legs are moving, taking him up to his seat and next to Dan Howell. 

 

He feels stiff as he sits down, and he swears he sees Dan tense too. He lets out a shaky breath, daring to take a look at Dan, finding that Dan’s looking back at him. Dan smiles shyly and Phil’s resolve melts.

 

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil says quietly enough so that no one else can hear him. “I know you meant well the other night. I just... “

 

“It’s okay, Phil. You don’t have to explain yourself now. I didn’t mean to push you into doing something you didn’t want to do.”

 

“It’s not that, it’s just--”

 

“Good morning, everyone! Time to pick up where we left off Friday,” their professor’s voice rang throughout the lecture hall, cutting Dan and Phil’s conversation short. 

 

-

 

“Hey,” Dan calls after Phil as they exit the classroom. Once again, Phil is thankful that he only has one class scheduled for today. “Do you wanna come back to mine and talk?”

 

“Yeah, I think that’d be good,” Phil agrees, nodding and following Dan back to his room. He knows that he’s supposed to be fixing himself and trying to conform to his parents’ views, but now, he isn’t entirely sure he wants to do that anymore. 

 

Does he want to erase this big part of his life and every feeling he had just to please his parents? He doesn’t live under their roof anymore, and their opinion doesn’t matter as much as it did a few months ago. Maybe now is his chance to finally embrace this side of him instead of suppressing it. 

 

When they make it back to Dan’s room, they sit side by side on the bed. 

 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Dan asks, trying to break the awkward tension around them. They know they have to talk, but it feels weird to just go straight in. 

 

“No thanks,” Phil declines politely, offering a kind smile. 

 

“All good. How do we even begin to talk about this?” Dan chuckles nervously, wiping his palms on his jeans. It makes Phil’s nerves settle a little bit knowing that Dan’s just equally as nervous as he is. 

 

“I guess I just want to apologise for how I acted the other night. A lot of it was unwarranted, and I know you were just suggesting it because it made your life easier,” Phil begins, looking down and shifting slightly under Dan’s gaze. 

 

“I should’ve noticed that you were uncomfortable with the idea, and I shouldn’t have pushed too hard, I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re fine. It’s just my parents have been strongly opposed to the fact ever since I was in year four and showed interest. They told me it was bad and they thought I was a failure up until I brought home my first girlfriend.

 

“I thought I was able to finally make them proud and I was on track for what they wanted, up until I met you. And then when we kept hanging out more, I didn’t want to admit this to myself, but I was falling even more for you. And now, ever since that other night, I can’t control my feelings anymore. I really want you, but I’m scared of what would happen next if I gave into those feelings.”

 

“I want you too,” Dan says softly, scooting closer and leaning in a bit. He takes Phil’s chin gently between his fingers and tilts his head up so that their eyes meet. Phil swallows as he watches Dan’s gaze drop down to his lips. 

 

Their lips meet softly and tentatively, and Phil melts against Dan’s lips. When Dan pulls away, Phil frowns, leaning forward again in attempt to chase after Dan’s lips. 

 

“If you’re scared, we don’t have to do anything. I said this before when we first started talking, but you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable,” Dan says, mouth turning up in a comforting smile. 

 

“I know I don’t want to push you away again. I just don’t know what to do from here on out.”

 

“Do you want to try maybe dating, but secretly? Until whenever you think you’re ready. There’s no rush between us, we can just see where it goes.”

 

“I think I’d like that, Dan.” 

 

Dan reaches down to interlock their fingers, giving Phil a squeeze. 

 

Phil looks down and squeezes back. It’s terrifying, finally giving into these feelings that he’s tried so hard to get rid of, but having Dan with him, he thinks he’ll be able to make it through. 

 

* * *

 

 

It takes until they graduate uni for Phil to muster up the courage to come out to his parents. 

 

He invited Dan to come back to his parents’ house after the ceremony. His parents agreed, thinking Dan was nothing more than Phil’s best friend. 

 

The years had been good to Dan and Phil. Being with Dan helped Phil finally get the confidence to do the things he was terrified of doing when he was a teenager. Phil no longer felt like he should have to hide himself from anybody, didn’t feel like he had to get drunk in order to have fun. 

 

It took some time for Phil to get to that point, but Dan, patient as ever, managed to help Phil in every way that he could. 

 

Nearly a month into their relationship, Phil started to feel anxious about them, unsure if they would even last due to his parents and the rest of the town. If someone were to find out about them, there was the risk of being kicked out of the uni and being sent to another town. 

 

When Phil found out about just how extreme this intolerance was, he couldn’t help but get drunk. Dan had found him at a party, drunk off of his ass, and took him back to his room. 

 

“Dan,” Phil had slurred, gripping Dan’s shirt to keep him close. His hands were shaking, emotions running wild as his muddled brain tried to make sense of where he was and why. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

 

Dan sighed, running his fingers through Phil’s hair. He leaned in to place a gentle kiss to the top of Phil’s forehead. 

 

“You’re going to be okay, Phil.  _ We’re _ going to be okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to us because we’re going to be careful and we are going to get through this. That is, if you still would like to.”

 

Tears sprung to Phil’s eyes before he had the chance to control it. 

 

“Of course I still want to. I like you a lot,” Phil’s voice cracked as he babbled, “But I’m gonna fuck it up. I’m gonna fuck it up so much and I don’t deserve you.”

 

Dan knew it was near pointless to try and reason with Phil in his inebriated state, so he pulled him close and pet his hair, quieting him down until he was tired enough to fall asleep in his arms. 

 

From there, Phil was extra cautious when he was out with Dan, keeping his distance and limiting things only to their rooms, but as time passed, he walked a little closer to Dan, daring to brush their hands together when they were in public. 

 

By their third year of uni, Phil carried himself better, became unafraid to speak up and show his appreciation for Dan. 

 

Dan welcomed his newfound confidence with open arms, made him feel as comfortable as possible, and taught him how to love properly. Phil could arguably say that Dan helped him become a better person, and he’s more than thankful for him. 

 

Now it was just a matter of whether his parents would be okay with him or not. 

 

“What if they still don’t accept me?” Phil whispers on the car ride home. 

 

“Then we’ll figure it out together. I’ll always be here for you,” Dan replies quietly, wanting to grab Phil’s hand for comfort, but unable to because of Phil’s parents in the front. Instead, he opts to link their pinkies. Phil lets out a sigh of relief and gives a smile before turning towards the window, eyes drifting shut for the rest of the car ride. 

 

-

 

“Phil, love, can you please come set the table?” Kath calls from the kitchen. 

 

Phil gets up from his place on the couch, leaving Dan to continue watching the house renovation show they settled on. He takes one last look at Dan, who has made himself quite comfortable on the couch. He gives a fond smile before going into the kitchen. 

 

“Thank you, child,” Kath says when Phil enters the kitchen. 

 

“Of course, mum,” Phil replies, gathering the plates and utensils to put on the dining table. He inhales deeply, a wave of nostalgia washing over him. “Food smells good. How long until it’s ready?”

 

“I reckon another five minutes. I’ll let you guys know when food’s ready.”

 

“Sounds good,” Phil nods, making his way out of the kitchen.

 

Once he sets the table, he goes back to Dan, who seems to have drifted to sleep in the five minutes Phil was gone. 

 

“You’re ridiculous,” Phil laughs, sitting next to Dan and nudging him with his elbow.

 

“Hm?” Dan mumbles, sitting up once he realises who’s sat next to him. “Your mum’s ridiculous.”

 

“Shh! She has super sonic hearing! We’re supposed to be on her good side tonight,” Phil teases, unable to keep himself from leaning in and pecking Dan’s nose. He knows he’s being a little reckless, but he can’t help himself around Dan. There’s something about Dan that makes him feel safe, like no matter what he does, he’ll be okay as long as Dan is by his side. 

 

“It’s not hard for you, babe. She loves you, yeah? Trust that,” Dan says, scrunching his nose up as Phil leans in to kiss it. It makes him look even more adorable and god, Phil loves this man so much. 

 

“Thanks, Dan,” Phil says quietly before scooting back, putting space between them as they hear footsteps down the hall. 

 

“Dinner’s ready,” Nigel says, eyeing Dan and Phil precariously. Phil swallows harshly and tries his best not to look tense under his father’s judgemental gaze. He feels his anxiety kick in again and suddenly, he doesn’t feel very hungry at all. 

 

Phil nods anyways though and stands up, Dan following close behind. He’s glad Dan is here with him. He doesn’t think he’d be able to go through with this if Dan wasn’t here. 

 

When he sits down at the table, Phil tries to quiet his mind by scooping food onto his plate, attempting to delay the inevitable for as long as he can. Dan’s right across from him, their feet linked under the table. It brings a little comfort to Phil, but he can barely think about that when he’s trying to come up with what to say. 

 

Kath breaks the silence first. 

 

“So, Dan, I know you and Phil have been friends since about the beginning of uni, but Phil won’t tell me how you two started talking.”

 

Dan and Phil share a look and Dan hesitates, seemingly unsure of what he’s allowed to say. 

 

“We, uh, we shared a class and happened to sit next to each other. We found that we had a lot of things in common and it kinda just stemmed from there,” Dan smiles, his endearing dimple sinking in. 

 

“He seems happier now, so you seem like you’re good for him,” Nigel adds, but something about that comment doesn’t exactly sit right with Phil. 

 

“Thank you, sir,” Dan replies quietly, looking down at his food.

 

“Tell me, Dan,” Nigel says, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

 

Phil clenches his fork upon hearing the question, gritting his teeth as he looks at his dad. 

 

His dad is staring right back. 

 

“No, sir, I don’t,” Dan says, feeling the tense atmosphere.

 

“Why not? You’re a handsome lad, I doubt girls don’t fall to your feet.”

 

“That’s enough, dad,” Phil says.

 

“No, really, I’m curious--”

 

“I said enough,” Phil says sternly.

 

“Come to think of it, Phil, I don’t remember the last time you told me you had a girlfriend either. What’s that about?” Nigel asks, making Phil realise what his dad is hinting towards. 

 

“Nigel, baby, let’s not do this now,” Kath pipes in, though she’s not doing much to really stop him. 

 

Nigel turns towards Dan and points accusingly at him. “I bet you’re the reason why Phil’s acting this way again. You’re a bad influence on him.”

 

“Dad, stop it,” Phil says angrily, hands starting to shake. 

 

“Am I wrong?” Nigel responds, voice growing louder as he stands from his chair. 

 

“Yes!” Phil yells, standing as well to be level with his dad. He shoots Dan an apologetic look and takes a deep breath. “Dan’s not a bad influence on me. In fact, he’s been the best. I’m not scared anymore. He makes me feel safe, and he’s been there for me far more than you’ve ever been.”

 

“Don’t tell me you have feelings for him,” Nigel says exasperatedly. 

 

“I do,” Phil responds, voice shaking. “We’ve been together since our first year in uni, and honestly? Dan’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

 

Silence spreads across the table. Phil can feel the disappointment radiating off of his mum, the anger and frustration from his dad. 

 

“Philip, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” Nigel says. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You’re not welcome here. You’ve known for a long time that this type of sin will not be tolerated in this house, or in this town. You don’t belong here.”

 

Phil doesn’t even realise he’s crying until his vision gets blurred from the tears. His face feels hot from humiliation, head swirling when he realises that he doesn’t have anywhere else to stay. 

 

This is exactly how he thought it was going to go, but now that it has actually happened, he doesn’t know what to do. 

 

“Mum?” Phil turns to Kath, hoping that maybe she’ll understand, that maybe she’ll speak up. 

 

She averts her eyes, gaze falling to her food as if she didn’t really hear Phil at all. 

 

“You,” Nigel points at Dan, “You get out too. You’ve corrupted my son enough and I can’t have you in my house.” 

 

“Dad, you can’t talk to Dan like that,” Phil says through tears, trying his best to stand his ground. Insulting and kicking him out is one thing, but no one is allowed to talk to Dan like that. 

 

“No, Phil, it’s fine,” Dan jumps in, standing up from his seat and making his way next to Phil. Immediately Phil feels a bit better. Dan turns to look at Nigel, and Phil knows Dan’s trying hard not to yell at him. 

 

“We’ll leave, but I think you’re making a big mistake,” Dan says, fists clenching. 

 

“Dan…” Phil tries to stop Dan, grabbing his arm gently. He tries to ignore the disgusted look that appears on his face as he does this. 

 

“Phil has tried all of his life to gain your guys’ approval. He was getting drunk practically every weekend and failing his classes. He was putting himself in dangerous positions just so you guys would love him. Who cares if he likes the same gender? If that’s literally the only reason why you’re kicking him out, then I highly suggest you rethink your decision.”

 

“Both of you. Get out,” Nigel says sternly, stepping forward, making both Dan and Phil step back. Phil nods and grabs Dan’s hand, leading him out of the dining room. 

 

“I’ll call my parents,” Dan says, pulling his phone out of his pocket as soon as they step out of the house. Phil nods again, not really paying attention to anything. He feels completely numb, staring out in the street and drifting away from Dan. There are too many things that are keeping his mind reeling. 

 

His parents just kicked him out. They don’t love him anymore. He has to find somewhere else to live. 

 

“... Okay, thank you so much. Love you, mum,” Dan says quietly before hanging up and pocketing his phone. 

 

Dan grabs Phil’s arm gently, grounding Phil as he does so. 

 

“My parents will be here soon. I’m sorry that happened, Phil,” Dan says, rubbing Phil’s arm as comfortingly as he can. 

 

Phil just shrugs, not trusting his voice at the moment. 

 

“Hey,” Dan says, taking Phil’s hand into his, making Phil look up. “We’re going to be okay. My parents said that you can stay with us until we can get our own place. We’ll move to a town more accepting and we’ll live a good damn life. I promise you.”

 

Phil can’t help but cry again. Even in the shittiest of situations, Dan’s still here taking care of him, assuring him that they’ll be okay. He deserves the world and Phil will stop at nothing to give it to him once they get their footing. 

 

“Do you think we’ll ever live happily and without fear?” Phil can’t help but ask. 

 

Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s waist and pulls him even closer. They meet for a soft and sweet kiss, Dan wiping the stray tears from Phil’s face with his thumb. 

 

He offers Phil a soft smile. “We will, Phil. I’ll make sure of it.” 


End file.
